I'm working at a public house & brewery doing mostly dish, float, and prep duties. when I'm off I mostly sleep, and when I'm not doing that I hang out with my mom and kitty cats with a few brews and foods. I am able to get a little music in when I'm not totally zapped. Picked up some protein bars and soap (cucumber & lime) at Kroger today. I need to change my oil soon. You guys ever have just normal days like this? Tell us about it if you'd like!

i do software development and surf the web and make some music and go for walks in the woods

but what do you do in real life?

Work, love, friends, family.

Ya know, Life.

trying to learn how to make beautiful audio plugins so i can sell them

...going on dog walks; cooking our own food; occasional movies

chilling in my new apartment, doing nothing but composing and livestreaming. still waiting for my new couch to arrive so i can finally invite people over here. looking forward to meet cool people next month, this is gonna be awesome

I’ve been training a lot for a half marathon, roughly averaging 70 kilometres a week for about 11 weeks which has been a bit gruelling. Hoping to get 1 hour 18 minutes on the day! Started a different job last month so I feel like a moldy noob. Also Jen and I are expecting a baby in October.

just recently completed a suuuuper huge 48 hour game jam with a friend of mine. the game was rated the #1 funnest game in the whole jam out of 5800+ entries, and 25th rated overall. we were featured in mark brown's top 20 list too! this success has spurred my friend to get serious about developing the game further for a commercial release, and invited me to do the sound design and ost. i am feelin real good right now. dreams come true people

but is this really real life? hmm

Real life... lets' see... my oldest child will soon be baptized into the cult that I escaped a couple of years ago. Until this point my family relationships have been fairly relaxed despite everyone being aware of my current stance on faith. I am not antagonistic toward anyone about it, I merely try to abstain from interacting with it as much as possible (which is often difficult because everyone else in my personal life aside from a few coworkers are members of the same cult, and they are constantly engaged with the cult's many activities) while still trying to be genuinely loving and accepting of them. My spouse is still a true believer and although she has come to terms with my current feelings, her hope will never die that I will someday "snap out of it" and return stronger than ever. So now as the day of the baptism approaches my spirit is torn anew. It's as though there are multiple versions of me past and present constantly debating in my skull about what the "right" thing to do is. The part of me that went though an existential abyss wants to put a stop to it to prevent my kids from going through the same thing or worse. The peacemaker in me wants to go along to get along, as it's going to be hard enough to look into the eyes of the few remaining friends and grandparents who don't know about my faith crisis and endure their disappointment. The firm nihilist in me wants nothing, because none of this matters, right? There are a few other versions of me mixed in there too, but those are the main trio: punished Vav, loving Vav, and nihili Vav, and the blend of these equal something akin to a suffering statue. My child has "decided" of his own free will and choice to enter the cult's membership at the wise old age of 8 years old, just as I did so many years ago. I want to support him, and I want to love him and I want him to know this in his bones so that he always has at least one degree of separation from the feelings that I'm feeling right now. I also want to be left alone and want to go back and want nothing at all. But regardless of what I want, I will stand there at the water's edge to witness my brother-in-law perform the thing as a substitute for a failed father, and I will endure the whole day of celebration afterward, and it will pass just like all of the other days have.

tl;dr i'm ok

I have worked on online college courses from dusk till dawn. Normally i try to get outside but i have not done so yet. maybe ill go on a late run? Been trying to talk to this girl as well so we'll see if that goes anywhere :)

what do you mean by real life

...ahem
so this is the year i finally start my first job, i'm currently roughly 2 months into that whole gig and i'm starting to enter the "getting tired of it" phase where the initial enthusiasm has worn off near completely. i still enjoy it, but it's not something that i entirely look forward to doing. i've been talking to my brother anthony about it more, apparently it's likely going to go into september, october, and even november if this year turns out bad. i was planning on starting either my diploma for web development or my associates in graphic design by then, so to hear this is a bit of a blow to me, but i'm thinking of a different strategem.

my family's been looking at new places to move since this place has not been particularly kind to us in the last 2 years we've lived here. previously, we lived for 15 or so years at a duplex in cudahy, but now we live in an apartment in st francis. i've been hounding them for an area in/close to bay view/walker's point, but it doesn't seem all that possible. rental rates in those neighborhoods are typically steep for 3 bed+ (what my mom has been aiming for to placate me and tony) but i'd settle for a 2 bed if it's <$1.2k/month and near bay view.

speaking of which, i've been getting more active locally thanks to the general social habilitation that you guys have been doing for me. before, i rarely went out and enjoyed myself, but now there's a few places that have really stood out in my mind that have been real pleasures to visit, to meet people in, and to generally just consume from. coffee places are basically omnipresent here (collectivo, stone creek, anodyne, fiddleheads, the city market, valentine, to name several), and each of them have been a treat and a half. lion's tooth is a very cozy yet amazingly packed alternative to amazon/barnes and noble, dream lab is my favorite cafe ever (you can get ART SUPPLIES THERE WHAT THE FUCK), and i've been in talks with rush-mor records in terms of selling the cd to my second ep once that comes out.

speaking of that, that's a thing!! i've been working towards making a second ep since 2018 and i'm finally getting towards making that a reality! i've been trying to use my free time to the best of my abilities focusing on that, and so far i've gotten 2 out of 4 tracks started and worked through at least 2/3 of the way, so i'm feeling good about that.

in terms of finding myself and my identity, that's been a bit...hectic. in case you didn't know (most likely because i didn't really shared myself in greater detail up until this year) i have been searching my gender and sexual identity for the better part of 6 years now. i have been diagnosed with attention deficient hyperactivity disorder (adhd, at age 7) and high-function autism spectrum disorder (at age 3), the former of which lead to medication until age 12 and the latter somewhat leading me towards a fucked up childhood and adolescence. i won't get into the specifics of such, but let's just say i nearly went towards the path of toxicity 5 seperate times and did some shit that people who know me now would say is not me in the slightest.

anyway, this general peace in my life since then, the one that my final semester in high school had finally fully granted me with, has left me thinking more about who i am recently. in may, i had finally settled on being genderfluid after a period of being non-binary due to not really knowing which gender i was, and this month, i've been reflecting on my sexuality and have been really questioning whether or not i was bi or pan. it has really been an interesting time for me, as for the longest time i had considered myself as just a male. i didn't really think of it in more detail other than what genitalia i had. now that i'm an adult, however, there has been many more factors to consider: the biological factor, the mental factor, genetics, identity, history, and so on and so forth! idk what else to say other than if i had met myself at ages 7, 11, god forbid 14, they would scant recognize me lmao.

and it's all of these factors that bring me back to botb. even though i don't have nearly as much time as i had to be a part of this place, i'm still at the very least trying to be as attached to this place and have it be as integral to my life as it was a full year prior. it's because of this place that i have a revitalized love for making music and art; it's because of this place that i have been enveloping myself in the milwaukee music and art scene; it's because of this place that i've been finding myself after encounting so many people of so many walks of life. i don't aim to leave it anytime soon.

tl;dr: i'm genderfluid now also i have work

ehehee, i just waked up...

i am mioh, the weirdo korean-american with no sleep schedule and no social skills. currently a adhd-brained uni student pursuing a cs degree because i cannot find a stable job (laughs at self)

in the past few years, i have lost quite a few biological family members, and got myself in a drinking-related medical situation, so it is pretty hard both mentally and financialy... add my pride ("oh, i can manage by myself, you don need to help me, i appreciate it though") to the mix and we now have a goddamn mess lol.. thankfully the government pays the big tuition dollars

i usually just play weird games and randomly compose to distract mineself, and when that does not work, i end up walking for hours on end, just a little girl in a trench coat wandering around until she reaches somewhere intresting or becomes too tired

about my addictions:
due to medical reasons i had to stop alcol entirely. maybe i tryd too immediate; for a whole day i was pained and shaking and confused, it was bad...
i wanted to quit smoking too but .. honestly i cannot, it is litrally impossible to quit something i have done since 11 x_x
we willnt talk about the cute girls. mioh has had enough of that.

speaking of cute girls, one of them in particular encourages me to learn piano!! more more everydayyyy!! i try to learn the waltzes on the piano in the main room.

...

...yar i don really have that much of a real life frankly, all my resources go into building a stupid little facade.. sometimes i wonder if i reallyd eserve to exist and experience the world...

about a year ago I leased a sizeable and cozy tutor style house on top of a mountain with two friends I've known for probably 7 years now(botbrs) to escape covid isolation and help jostle me out of a depression. other botbrs and online music friends swing down and visit us sometimes

day to day I do software engineering work for a bigdata company. been working this job for about four years now and ready to move on to something else that actually helps people(feel like I'm working for the enemy sometimes). doing software dev in the medical sector would be cool I think. planning a road trip soon that'll take me about 8000 miles around the country to visit a bunch of places in person to help me decide where to go next and what to do

bought a kayak recently, like to drag that thing to different places and paddle around. there's a river real close to the house, sometimes I like going out there before the sun rises. there are specific moments in mornings where it feels like a different world and it's kinda dreamy out on the water with no one else around. well, there is this one like, I think it's a hawk that builds this comically huge nest out on this big metal post that sticks high up out of the middle of the river at a point. I like to paddle up next to that thing and chill with the hawk as the sun rises

I also try to go camping a few days a month. it usually takes about a day to reach this point but eventually the absence of overstimulating screens and all the mental energy spent on anxieties and plans and ruminations and schedules are easier to let go and I can just Be for a while which is a very healing kinda thing. also Idk why or how but the food I make over a campfire turns out 10x better than when I do the same thing at home

living with what were once internet only friends has been exciting, fun, mundane, infuriating, humbling, enlightening, disappointing, inspiring, embarrassing, encouraging...regular life as usual stuff when it comes to living with people but it's a profound twist of expectations from bridging that gap with how you get to know someone online. it's been a learning and growing experience in so many unexpected ways.

thanks for posting, thanks for reading. op cessor is zen as f

In the middle of selling my house, buying a new house, and moving to a new city (where my wife and I have a lovely circle of friends). Still playing and teaching tons of fiddle et al., but also trying to go from square "I know nothing" to square "hired" in web development . . . it's been great being a pro musician for two decades (and I just co-founded a new music school, so I'm certainly not quitting), but I'm curious as to what life can look like if you live above the poverty line! It's a terrifying prospect given that I've been self-employed for over a decade, and I'm introvert supreme, but I reckon if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll be dissatisfied in the same old ways instead of being dissatisfied in new and exciting ways!

I miss BotB, but given that I struggle to churn out a finished track in under 8 hours, I just can't right now. Love y'all!

Well,

I just hit my 7 year anniversary with my environmental compliance company. That has been okay, COVID was very rough.
I'm about to perform (most likely) my final choir concert for the foreseeable future, and my wife will be singing with me! This is my 12th year in this choir and it's a 4th of July concert with my church. It may be livestreamed if anyone might be interested in listening in? Lemme know.
With that, I take a friend of mine in his 80's to sing as well. He has dementia and has gotten much worse over the past year, but he still remembers these songs so it is a joy to see him sing. I also help him take care of his 5 acres of land on the weekends.
I've had a lot of my elderly friends go downhill very rapidly with their health in the last few months, so I've been in a bit of a mourning pattern. Losing a lot of people who are dear family to me right now.
My wife has been dealing with injury after injury this whole year. She has really been struggling and we've been doing our best to stay positive through it all. She is a trooper and I love her.
We have two D&D games that we are in, one that I am going to be leading. That's been an amazing escape from real life recently.
We also co-lead with another friend a college/young adults ministry at my church. We play volleyball at least once a week and it's my one source of exercise currently. I'll either preach or do music for the group depending on the week.

I miss hanging out with all of you fine people. thanks for reading

TL:DR - work is fine, friends passing on and it sucks, very busy with other activities, and helping my wife heal up.

Currently trying to learn some responsible prepper skills, such as indoor gardening and proper storage of non-perishable food and medicine for future potrntial emergencies, or just formulating plans for the next issue of my minimag.

Other than that, here's quite almost normal.

school
im in active cuz of that

so apparently the people in charge of the minuscule town i live in thought it would be a good idea for us to have a tourist info centre... and then i thought it would be a good idea to work there for my fifth summer in a row. in a normal year, there's about one or two people who come in each day, invariably to use the bathroom rather than asking about our town's rich, rich history. as you can imagine, most of canada's inter-provincial borders being closed hasn't exactly helped with business either.

not that i care lol they still pay me

well, that's what i've been telling myself anyway. however, even while being paid minimum wage, sitting in an empty building for seven hours a day with nothing to do but bounce my internal narration around in my skull starts to wear thin, even for an advanced fantasizer such as myself. i can't help but wonder if i should have pursued a career that actually, y'know, interests me.

and that brings up the other issue that i have, which is that i can't really figure out what is and isn't interesting to me. i'm doing an english degree, but when i told my grandfather that he said that all i can really hope for is to get a job as a "mayo holder" (the guy who holds the mayo). and he's an english professor. overall, though, i'm trying to get out of this "what should i do" mentality, because really, there's no reason to think that there's something i "should" do. ideally, something will show up to make things more interesting, and if not, i will presumably have not done anything to make other people's lives worse. that's a win in my book, babee

so anywho, in my real life i'm just chillin', basically. maxin', relaxin', and all that jazz. and if you think about it, that's kind of freaking epic.

i'm finally leaving the college town i've been trapped in for the past 4 years and moving back in with my mom. i tell myself that its just cause its cheaper, but i really do hate this town

ive cooled down a lot since i came here, living alone has taught me a lot about who i am and what i should expect out of the world around me. if anything im less ashamed of who i was and more proud of the person im becoming. its still along way to go, though.

prospects for the future are slim, but i dont really have a reason to give up hope yet. im healthy, i have people who love me, and im confident in my abilities. learning the skills i need to become middle class and be able to support my mom as she gets older will be the deciding factor in the coming years.

also could someone front me some cash for a car

i mowed today. also im getting married in a couple of weeks

work and then listen to my friends' music and chat with them and tell them their music is nice

too much work but I need more work because everything is so expensive right now.

finishing shitterhand 2.0

Hoo boy this'll be a long one:

At the end of 2018 my life took a drastic turn and my mom suddenly passed away out of nowhere. It hit me like a truck. Before this happened I had finally started thinking about moving out on my own but was depressed because with my disability (Mild Cerebral Palsy) I wasn't sure how I would do it or if it was possible for me.

So not to be that guy, but this is what happened. I was in my house at night grieving by myself not knowing what to do so I prayed about it and asked for help. 3 days later I got a call saying an apartment was available here at this place for seniors and disabled people (myself being the later) Make of that what you will :).

So now I had a place to sort my grief out in solitude. For a few months I was able to dodge it by working on and posting a Dragon Ball What if fan fiction on youtube but fate wouldn't let me run forever and my old computer died forcing me to be gifted my mom's old laptop which of course has pictures of our family together when she was still alive and I found them and then that opened the flood gates and I spent the rest of 2019 slowly healing.

2020 happens, I start to feel better. I'm bummed about the Pandemic but at least I live alone and can mostly keep to myself. I decide maybe it's time I get back into chip music again. Wouldn't you know it that was the time where both cheapbeats (The Record Label I was on) AND Chipwin. My main place for posting music and getting feedback gets yeeted into oblivion by an angry internet mob and because I'd basically been out of the loop for a year for personal reasons I had NO idea what was going on.

Long story short I was shocked that not only was chipwin gone, but also the place that hosted my albums was closing it's doors. I wasn't able to get them in time but thankfully friends came to the rescue and now I have them. It made me realize that while corners of the internet might be gone, the friendships I've made and the spirit of enjoying chip music is still very much alive.

It touched my heart and I wanted to get back out there and make music again, but there was one final thing that needed to be done.

To make a long story short 90 percent of the people I meet online are awesome and I don't regret meeting a single one of them. However, everyone runs into that one friend that's just too broken and too much for you to handle when you're trying to recover from your own pain and then you have an unhinged negative person burdening you with their woes on top of it. I took it on, it was my fault but I now realize I shouldn't have and was not qualified to handle that in the least lol

You spend hours talking to this person, listening to their rambling voice messages, trying to make sense of them and offer words of comfort and encouragement. Only for all your time spent to be of little consequence because of the many vices this person has and his refusal to take proper medication which results in his already unstable state and world view becoming exponentially worse.

For a while, I accepted this and just took the route of avoiding him when he was in one of his moods rather than confrontation but that all changed the day he decided to try and talk bad about mutual friends and tried to get me to choose what side I wanted to take.

The people he badmouthed said I could still choose to be friends with him and it wouldn't affect our relationship but they blocked him, while he insisted I choose him over them and that was it. I had enough and had no choice but to block him. Looking back, I don't regret it.

Call this a coincidence if you want, I'm not sure myself but it was not long after I got rid of him it literally felt like a load was lifted and lo and behold Paprium (The Sega Genesis game Groovemaster303 and I worked on YEARS ago actually came out at the end of 2020)

It felt like getting rid of that guy allowed good things to start happening again and now even when bad stuff happens I feel the love and support I have in my life to help me deal with it and I'm able to take it in and absorb it so that I can manage because I no longer have his burden to bare :).

Because of my work on Paprium more possible opportunities for me to compose game soundtracks or be a sound FX guy are opening up and while I can't talk about them in detail yet it is exciting to be productive again. Those things might be a ways off yet, but in the mean time you can look forward to me being a part of a Sega Genesis Cart album called YM2020 in the near future :).

Not only that but I recently randomly started getting comments on my youtube videos which had almost no activity for over a year and it made me think maybe it's time to get back into my Dragon Ball story again.

I was unsure about getting the Covid shots, but my brother got them and he has similar genetics to me so I figure if he's okay that's as close as I am going to get to a confirmation of whether something is safe or not and I want to get back out there and hang with my friends and family more again so...screw it I'll roll the dice lol

Getting feedback on my latest things I threw into Spring Tracks put a big goofy grin on my face and is yet another reason to smile again.

One final good thing that may happen is that I recently got approved for rent assistance so if all goes well, soon I'll be paying much less to live here which will make me being able to have a bit more fun with my meager income a reality.

So yes, it has been a rough couple of years for me as I am sure it has been for many of you and my heart goes out to you all but...I think I can say with cautious optimism that I'm back and boy does it feel good :).

My deep condolences to you Jredd, and sympathy for those having a rough or really rough time.

A lot of personal developments over here, can say it's mostly all been positive, though it has taken quiet a chunk of my time.

I'm sounding, and probably am a little reserved, but I'm actually doing very well in general. There's a lot of projects I want to return to, including some album work, both old and new, and obviously am getting XHB withdrawal symptoms, meaning I should really start joining them again soon. I find that committing to a lot of projects has made me get into a mindset of *I never have time to enter xhbs because there are more prominent projects I should attend to*, and because that's making me procrastinate a lot, I want to shake it.

Besides that, just planning for the pigdcalypse. May ye pigeons rule again.

typically my cs/electronics courses take up a lot of my time but my semester finished a month back or so and i have the summer break now. studying and doing all that work from home had some upsides but also was kinda awful. my poor approach to work and lack of understanding then did result in maybe a bit too much anxiety heh. though i think there's definitely some good things to take away from it and i feel like i've improved in my approach now.

now i have lots of free time, which i'm not used to and spending too much time inside with no internships/work/whatever. probably aren't doing as much now as i probably first expected but hey, working on projects and stuff a little bit at a time. not a whole lot going on or much to look forward to but maybe i should just enjoy the downtime while it lasts...

also remember, grades aren't everything. they are a sham! you matter, never forget to take care of yourself!

I recently left my relationship, because I felt as though I was helping my partner grow and they weren't doing the same for me. Their mom's boyfriend at the time had also assaulted me because he was constantly coming over without permission, destroying our appliances and utensils, generally being disrespectful, and I told him I didn't want him at the house, so he punched me. I moved back with my mom and I think I'm depressed. Struggling to find out job. Creatively spent, not working on anything. Just tired.

I have just completed the first half from a two-year master's degree: Public Administration and Public Policies. Being a nutritionist, that may sound weird, but I aim to work making health and nutrition public policies. What is kinda weird, tho, is that such things have barely anything to do with music or chiptune, which I love.

That master's degree took away half of my time, which made me quit music for almost six months. The other half of my time is spent doing weight training. I've been working out for 14 years, so that part of my life is not subject to change.

That said, I'm having the Summer break right now, fortunately. That MAY allow me to pull off a tune or two for SC XI.

eating pizza, gaming, browsing anime chix, trying to get developers and IT to fuck things up a little less and to work more efficiently

other than that just enduring nasty vaccine side effects

hmmmmmmmmb. ive read a few of these in depth but i also feel like this would be a good spot to actually analyze what the hell im feeling?

i recently got my first job, im still on my first week with real customers (i work at a new dennys LKJSDHGKJSHDG) but im actually enjoying it so far. i think a lot of that is that i actually get to be nicole for this job - at home my parents arent supportive and im kind of left being a double agent. its not like im not used to it though! i always snuck shit to school, its just a different location now. but yeah, even though the work itself is pretty draining for me im completely ready to keep at it so i can move out and finally start hormones

^ and on this note ^ i end up rambling about my own clusterfuck of a mental state. i keep worrying about what might be if i cant start fast enough and it keeps looping over and over again and its even delved into existential crisis a few times <3 at the same time though im kind of glad i had it happen to me? it made me think a lot about who i am and what i want to accept of myself more often. i know i have the Big Three with depression anxiety adhd but i realize i want to investigate who the hell i am more. i know i have autism and ocd which explain a lot of things, but i end up realizing i dont like bringing it up just because of how my parents handled it.

theres a few other things im kind of wondering if i have - dyspraxia, just because a lot of symptoms are way too specific to me and it makes sense when i bring it up to friends,,,and possibly some degree of disassociation? the latter is a lot more uncertain for me, i know ive had my times where i feel like im an actress and im just watching a movie of whoever the hell im playing, and those times can last a while, but i also understand that thats me? im able to recognize myself and have that sense of self but then i end up looking at photos of me and i dont even know sometimes, esp with ones where im presenting female cause i guess its just so surreal that im like wait fuck thats me?? and theres certain photos of myself that i guess ive looked at so much that ive completely detached myself from them and i circle all the way around to 'oh wait she looks nice' but then i cant admit that about myself what the FUCK

and i only ended up thinking more seriously about the latter because one of my irl friends opened up about having it. i know from my time running a vent server on discord i knew about the disorder but i just. never wanted to actually analyze myself. and seeing her talk about it and have so many things match me makes me feel weird. im so used to being the one who teaches everyone about themselves and helps them accept themselves, not vice versa. its not a bad thing, im just not used to it. and i feel awkward bringing it up to her. i feel like i need to give it more thought or take tests or something

also holy shit this is long feel free not to read this
i just needed a place to spill what the hell is on my mind

one more here with adhd! :)

What’s a real life *bleep* .. I’m an online entity

I can't leave the house due to really strong agoraphobia and panic disorder.

dropped out of uni a year ago
got an average 9 to 5
hopin to save up some cash and pick up IT studies in some time

This is as real as anything can be, don't sell yourself short.

I'm married with two children and work as a customer service agent representing several online retailers. Although this usually means I'm a telephone operator, there are several other tasks I perform that are a bit beyond the scope of explaining here.

Damn I was not expecting this response... It was really cool peeling into your real lives and learning about who you all are as real human beans. I haven't got to to many, but if I liked your post then I read it.

UPDATE: I was prescribed Zoloft for anxiety, a mood stabilizer for paranoia (which I don't actually take), and Naltrexone for alcohol addiction (which I also don't take). The paranoid feelings went away with my anxiety, and I still like drinking beer so fuck all that. Zoloft seems to be making a difference, and I feel happier over all, but it is just the beginning so we will see how that goes...

I should really check my oil as it's probably low...

I decided to reduce my hours at work from 4 days a week to 3 so I can focus more on what I love and also my overall well being. My paycheck is going to take a hit but so be it. I think happiness is worth more than dollar signs, and as long as I can pay rent then I'm okay.

Been spending time outside while I still can. Listening to music I like, and showing it to coworkers who think it's really weird lol. Buying shirts from Goodwill idk. bye.

Today I uh decided to cut open two rolls of bread before checking in the fridge or pantry. I was hoping to have some ham and cheese, maybe a little tomato idk. But then when I finally did look in the fridge I realised that there wasn't any ham nor any cheese, so I thought to myself, "well that's ok because I can just have like a peanut butter and jam roll or something". what I didn't know is that there wasn't any jam either and the only peanut butter left was the 2000 year old 100% oil peanut butter and I wasn't gonna open that today. So I'm left here with two open rolls on a plate and nothing to put in them, and so I just put it in the plate with the rolls in the fridge for myself to deal with later.

I am learning how to fly off my years long depressive state. Started swimming, approaching women, dancing and got a job animating characters for a television series in korea.
Right now I'm on my free day so I will make some silly animation to keep myself entertained and creating. I also plan to finish off my comic this year and hopefully I can get it printed.

I am learning how to talk to people so they don't get scared or off by how I present myself and to love and care about my family and friends. I am also learning how to feel at ease with myself.
I have a cat whom sometimes bothers me a lot but he's a sweetie.

a breakup

i work construction, im self employed. i do mostly custom woodwork. trying to find more time 4 music and watching horror movies.

sorry, there was actually a long sad story, but i felt too ashamed for sharing it

@mechika these videos helped me to see some light in the end of the tunnel some years ago, hopefully might help you as well: http://nitrofurano.altervista.org/rbe/videos/

thank you @nitrofurano !
fun fact I used to be an activist in my community, even started a non profit 3 years ago with friends haha (I'm mostly passive now, but lowkey do things when asked)

figured i might elaborate a bit more since there was more upsides that have happened in the last time (roughly 2-3 years)

so first of all, speedruns. im deep into this shit (i dare to say im a well known figure in the polish community) and ive been one of the orgas of the first (and only) speedrunning event in poland. nowadays i dont do it as often as i had previously (mostly due to burnout + 9-to-5), but i still hang out and sometimes whip out a time. it aint too common however as most games i ran are 3h+

second of all, demoscene huh? i stopped regularly participating in the Musical Shitposting Circlejerk™ but it doesnt mean ive dropped chiptuning as a whole, nonono. 2019 was the year when i really started going out places (anime conventions, demoparties etc) and I did my best to get the word out about the shit that I make (not just chiptunes, but also prods made by AYCE - the demoscene group which I cocreated to make a botb invitro, but we stuck together since then). sides that, Ive also been joined into Joker (a Speccy group) and while I havent contributed to a prod there yet, I'm well on my way on doing so :D Oh and released a speccy prod with a good friend of mine some time ago (loni's happy party, anyone heard bout that?)
oyea I mentioned anime conventions, I held one chiptune panel in 2019 and played a short set (sadly it was a 1 person deal cuz the room doubled as a sleeproom but oh well)

havent been to a demoparty abroad yet (the closest i got was forever 2019 in slovakia but uni got in the way and i couldnt go), for now ive been only to sillyventure, xenium and lost party (the last one happens in 2 days btw, still gotta write a tune SHITTTTT)

also Ive managed to get semi-consistent at doing something. anyone heard of BMS? or beatmania IIDX? yea I play that. started playing seriously in 2020 (bought a PS2 controller from one of the top 7k players in poland), got up to 8th Dan with it in a year, then wasted half a year on trying to build my own arcade style con (i'm horrible at handcrafting), caved in and bought a pre-made one in may, recently I passed 9th Dan in IIDX (am Normal 8th in BMS) and there's no sign of stopping!

and about uni. i picked up nursery back in 2017 but the big C dropped and studying for home didnt really sit with me well, resulting in me dropping out. was a learning experience if anything.

so whats the plan for now? hopefully go more places, pick up IT in some time, and maybe move out of that shithole that is my city? (not hoping for abroad just yet)

im a neet thats being activated

I've become so engrossed in my work that a description of my real life is now just a description of my botb profile

@Jredd - Condolences on the loss of your mom. I lost my dad when I was 14. My mom is hanging on but she is in that stage where there isn't much time left.

on a side note, been enjoying your chiptune work for a lot of years. Wishing you much happiness. Everyone else in this thread as well.

[ehh redacted, sorry. feel like I got a little too personal]

In short, just trying to work towards supporting myself.

I'm broken beyond repair but music keeps me sane

@razerek be personal as that is the whole point of this thread. Many others have, including myself, so tell us what is on your mind. Glad you are working on yourself. We can all do a little of that.

@cessor

Sorry, I just had second thoughts and I felt like I was sharing more than I was personally comfortable with. In brief, I talked about how a house fire turned my life upside down a couple years ago, and how it's hard to break bad habits and readjust after being essentially responsibility-free for two years. I'm really trying to find some kind of stable income so I can do the things that I want to do.

I quit opiates 2 months ago after letting them slowly take over my entire life for 4 years and now I dunno what the fuck I'm doing lol. I desperately need to get out of my current living arrangement but I make no damn money. As grim as that all sounds I'm pretty happy, not satisfied by any means but it's definitely been worse than this. I can make my little songs and play my little games on the computer and I sleep indoors. If I have any sort of goal right now it's to get some kind of gig I can actually live on, get the hell out of the American midwest forever, get a dinky little studio apartment all to myself, and get me a pet pigeon or two to eat seeds and make weird little noises with

I've been very reserved with my personal life out in the public, but I feel like this would be a good opportunity to discuss some major events that have happened to me.

I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer back in September 2020, it hurt even more knowing that he had so much he wanted to accomplish in life. He'd tell me about all the things he wanted to learn or invest in but he was trapped in this mindset of having no time to do anything. He wasn't a perfect dad, he was a human being with flaws just like the rest of us, but ultimately I'm grateful to him for making so many sacrifices to raise me and my brother.

College wasn't working out at all, I had no career plan in mind and didn't even know what type of degree I wanted, I only went because I had been led to believe it was the only way I'd be able to make something of myself. I figured I'd take the STEM path, but the passion simply wasn't there. I couldn't keep up with online classes at the beginning of the pandemic, and my dad's death made things even worse. 2020 may have been the year where my depression hit the hardest.

So I've decided to do something bold: quit college and dedicate everything I have to creating video games, which has been my oldest ambition since elementary school. It's the one career that I can think so positively about that it legitimately gets me excited to study more drawing/programming/designing/etc. from just thinking about my end goals. With all the time I spent growing up sinking hours of time into level editors and playing building games like Roblox and Minecraft, creating experiences for others has been a recurring motif in my life. I believe in this dream so blindly that I'm going to risk any promise of a stable future for it. I have a whole world and story in particular that I want to share with the world, and hopefully it'll be something that can outlive me on this world.

Wish me luck, n00bs.

Galgox, you are who I most admire; I constantly find my heart beat rate augmenting, seeing you going furher *there*, improving, and achieving more, in a wide gamma of scopes; the post you wrote on Battle of the Bits, itself, displays to me you have attained very big achievements, since I first got to know about you, over three years ago: I feel you extremely successful, by visualising you, aware of your writtings in. I am with you, regardless of the path you take.

You are immortal: You have taught me much by exposing myself at you, as you are. It is thanks to inspiration from seeing you, as I perceive, valiantly expressing yourself, that I slowly began to flourish parts of me I otherwise felt repressed, hided, and apparent as it didn't exist: Witnessing your and wisdom, and being influenced by you, I got from feeling extremely shameful about my own, to feel pride for, and feel pleasure from being called by born name.

*I inhale deeply, hold my breath with my chest lifted, and gradually exhale*

Now that I am writting here, I thought to share here about that this is the best period of my life: My body has fully recovered from dental and environmental once opposing factors to my physical health, thanks to remembering always keeping a courageous mindset in front of everything, confident about that I can overcome it all. My mind and heart is full of all I want the most; sights of mountains, flora, and sea waves; aroma of herbs and otherwise leaves; moonlight often lighting clouds at night, stars in the sky and mistery about; I can listen at music: I can watch animated media! There are so many series and movies I wish to watch at since a kid, now I comfortably can via Internet. I am into projects I want; books that can aid me improve my skills and otherwise. I am enjoying a path to craft what I have memories of myself enjoying, and I desire experiencing! There is also already so much food for me to enjoy to watch at!

I feel at peace. Thank you for making a nice environment, I am enjoying right now!

I exist.

Right now I'm working my ass off at a job that I sort of hate and love, it's not a dream job or anything, but I have nice collegues.

Problem is that work mostly night shifts and it's really hard to find a balance between working night shifts and make music. Might actually quit in the end, since music is that important to me, like there's no point in working if you're not enjoying life and barely have any free time.

I'll see, musically though I have a ton to be happy about, I have improved a lot, I'm on a level I thought I never could reach.

Obviously I still have a ton I need to learn :)

Yuzu Here.
I do things that I am taking care of in my free time. There are numerous reasons that I am working or in my spare time.
Except with my mother

1. Pick up my bed
2. Clean the room, tables and more cleanings
3. Go to a store
4. Wash the dishes
5. Make lunch and heat food
6. Make a Ramen
7. Watching YouTube, Twitch or other videos
8. Carry the garbage
9. Take a bath
10. Go to a party
11. Watching television
12. Using my computer
13. sweep my room

I had to need a break right now, What happens is I need to be able to work but I lost my motivation to make music. The bad thing was that my hard drive will lose my personal data and I cannot continue my career.
I think I'm in a place up there, I'm really not very good at this in my department.

love how ramen is separate from lunch+food

half of my real life is sitting immobile daydreaming

I've been REALLY testing my discipline lately!!! no nailbiting (lifelong habit), drawing every day (habit I've failed to attain my whole life), very limited sex stuff, back on diet + exercise

trying to prove i'm not dumb to my family and peers

Today I became a 40 years old graduate student.

Trying to exist amid an eternal storm of conflicting emotions of hope and hopelessness

from my humble experience, i think that transforming hopelessness into hope isn't impossible

hard to summarize a day, week, or month here -- everything moves!

rained today. overcast, and it's now night. 80s (F)? 70s? feels great. fiancee brought the cactus plants in, we did laundry. made chocolate waffles. bought tons of chocolate at Trader Joe's. melted the 72% bars down. rich batch! richer choc than the bag of chunks from Fry's. waffle iron's grease logged. may go less oil next time.

one huge push to learn coding and more music. factory work was good, call center mb less. the solo night shifts at the factory where I just ran a huge bag-maker machine thru the night were cool. no drama, just cash and workout. my stats ruled and I ran the best shifts. also the dude who put the phone on the plexiglass counter up top and he played Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and, this other one, Psycho Pass? ruled! day shift was okay. we got more done and had a better time when I ran night shift.

car's been good to me. built like a tank. wiring's probs got a short. I unplug the batt when I park. power steering's shot, just how I like. don't want it "fixed"; power steering fluid's always barfed on the alternator anyways, and I want to feel what the car feels when I pull the turn. hard to carjack. fixed the AC a while back bc my fiancee likes AC. I'm in the desert and I love the windows and sun roof open!

going over FM horns in BambooTracker. daisy-chaining the same multiplier's sine. oscilloscope looks like double-sided alligator teeth. I see an FM saw-wave whose middles are flattened and tops are spiked up. sounds closer to a trumpet than I'd ever thought I'd get. Rocket Knight Adventures level intro is still my gold standard -- what I got atm works for me!

easy food day tonight. spiced a RedBaron pizza and added pepperoni and banana peppers. movie night's coming up! we put a tiny platform over the head of the bed and set a projector to hit the wall in front of the bed. big flat LiON batt underneath helps the projector run longer. put VLC on the firmware! runs slow, still rules. takes memory cards. a few towels left to fold and shirts to hang. dishes drying. shook dishes after the wash and toweled off any water pools in the dishware concaves to save time later. just brought the pizza from oven to cooling rack! cats gonna hop on the bed and rest with us in a few hrs, meow meow

(edit: changed "brake fluid" to "power steering fluid" irt what autos dump on their alternators ime)

I'm acting in an independent black comedy film about a couple of wandering brothers during the time of the Black Plague in Europe. It's the first time I've acted in a while and I'm really having a good time.

I'm hosting a Twitch stream for the company I work for, the DigiPen Institute of Technology, on Fridays at 3 Pacific, called The DigiPen Show.

I also run my own Twitch stream on Thursday nights at 8, where I read literature to my audience. It started out with just Tolkien, but I'm about to finish The Return of the King, so I'm probably going to move on to something new soon.

Besides all that, I have a game engine I started writing in TypeScript using the p5.js framework, but I'm kind of slowing down on progress there, and I hope to pick it up again in a couple months or so.

@Modus_Ponens so we might use your engine in an html5 battle soon here? cool! :)

I dunno about soon, but sure! I would be perfectly happy to allow that, if it ends up actually being good. Edited to add that it will almost certainly not be very good. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Music composition degree at the Sydney Conservatorium of Music. Pretty awesome.

I ate a banana today and it was tasty

@Minerscale I'm just now submitting my composition portfolio for the same degree :)

---

Hey Biruhan, you're not alone.. Even if you don't participate, the feeling of a community can still help.. I mostly just enter majors and even that makes me feel a part of this place.. I guess I would still do so, even if I just voted or listened to stuff.

hope you'll pull through and get things figured out ;-)

big mood biru, i wholeheartedly hope you persevere :c

also reading everyone's posts in this thread makes me feel a bit better, cheers

<3

@Biruhan just read all B.F. Skinner books you can, you'll love reading them for sure!

Great thread! I haven't really been active in this community for 4 years, so posting this is a bit odd.. But because BotB has been so important to me, here we go :)

I distinctly remember people like Quirby64, MiDoRi, Tobikomi, Th4 D34d, mk7, sincx, and many others to be very supportive pals here!

I am currently finishing my first internship as a designer in a watch company, and finishing my engineering studies.
I still dream of making a career in music though. Next month, I'll have a pro orchestra performing my compositions, which I'm so excited about hehe. I also play spanish guitar in a band where I compose, which is a privilege!

Also I think my music has improved miles since 2017, can't wait to show you guys :). Let's say I moved to less "digital" musical styles, but I'm positive I'll return one day to make some proper chiptune bangers :P

Love to you all, and good luck with your endeavours!

@Biruhan Don't loose hope! Things will get better eventually but I hope that it will be sooner for you! It really must be a rough time for you... From experience, I can say chatting or hanging out with friends can be a very good "distraction" that will keep you occupied from bad thoughts most of the time and I can very much relate to things like that impeding creativity or motivation but it'll come back! Feel hugged and if you ever want to chat, even just casually, do feel free to hit me up on Discord. :>

I work in a kitchen now i make sandwiches and salads

working in a kitchen is an excellent experience i could humbly recommend to almost everyone (even when we think we don't enjoy or don't need that - in my case i was curious and some cousins had a restaurant, so i thought why not...), we can learn a lot from there - for example, i heard somewhere that Neville Brody has a kitchen in his studio, and that he use to cook as frequently as he designs, so cooking can be a relevant part of the creative process

(i don't know if we can share videos like this in this thread, maybe it fits perfectly in the context of some comments here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBkFeA2pOQY )